Jesus's Teachings on Divorce

It’s happened multiple times, and again last week.  Every time, I read Jesus's teachings about divorce with a Bible study group, I become uncomfortable.  I am divorced, and every time, I read in Matthew where Jesus speaks of divorce, I worry that I am being judged by the people in the Bible study group I lead.  Some may not even know I am divorced, and if they find out, they may wonder how a divorced woman would be qualified to lead them in their study of God’s Holy Word.  I don’t have an answer for that, except that I know without a doubt that the Holy Spirit told me to start a Bible study group, what led them to come is between them and the Holy Spirit who spoke to them.  ​

The first time Jesus speaks of divorce is during His sermon on the Mount, in Matthew 5:31.  The next time is in Matthew 19:3-12.  We see in both instances that He references a “certificate of divorce.”  This requirement is that in order to divorce, the legal process must be followed.  The legal authorities would only allow a divorce and give a certificate of divorce if it was for certain, substantiated reasons, and it would take whatever time the legal system took to get to the case. In that time, the couple might even reconcile.  

Notice in Matthew 19:3, Matthew tells us that the Pharisees phrased their question in a way they could test Jesus’s response and possibly bring more accusations against Him.  In their question, they asked if divorce was lawful “for any and every reason.”  They went on to ask (Matthew 19:7) why Moses commanded that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away.  In Jesus’s response, He clarified that Moses permitted divorce, he did not command it, and that in order to obtain the certificate, a reason had to be given and the judge would make the decision as to whether or not to grant the divorce.  Also in His response, Jesus gives us a reason why one might seek divorce - sexual immorality.  He does not say that in instances of sexual immorality, that a couple must divorce, but He does talk about hard hearts and sometimes this offense can be very difficult to forgive, so a certificate of divorce could be given if that is the desire of the couple.  In Matthew 15:19 Jesus spoke of the things that defile, 19For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.  If not too much of a stretch, I would say if these things are happening within a marriage, they could make the marriage difficult to impossible to continue, too.   

In 1 Corinthians 7:15, the Apostle Paul gives what could be another reason to divorce, abandonment.  The preceding verses give different scenarios about believers being married to unbelieving spouses.  He says, “15But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.” 

While I’ve probably felt every possible negative emotion in regards to my decision to divorce, the one I do not feel (anymore) is regret.  It’s been 12-13 years.  I give the range of years because it was 2011 when the Holy Spirit told me I was remaining in the marriage for my own comfort not for His honor; that was also the year we stopped sharing a bedroom.  It was 2012 when we actually ceased to reside under the same roof.  I wanted to wait until our children's (and mine) school year ended, so  they/we could have the summer to adjust.  Had I not made this decision to divorce, I might not even be alive today.  My college sweetheart and father of my children attempted, in every way he could, to rob me of my sanity.  I considered taking my own life, multiple times.  

The first time I realized he was being unfaithful (1999), I convinced myself that it was an emotional affair, one in which he and a coworker had just become too comfortable in conversation, nothing more.  We went to marriage counseling (2000) at our church, and the associate minister with whom we had set the appointment, wanted to meet with us separately, then together.  After he met with us separately, he called me into his office alone, again.  He explained to me that my husband no longer wanted to be married, that I was in it alone, that I might as well seek a divorce.  I couldn’t handle that.  I resented that man.  I couldn’t stand to look at him at church, I couldn’t understand how he could call himself a minister!  

The next years all run together now.  There became evidence that what I thought was an emotional affair was more, and there was more than one other woman.  One day I was teaching my class when our school receptionist came over the speaker to tell me someone was on the phone insisting that they speak with me.  She said she would listen to my class while I went to the teacher’s lounge for the call.  It was a woman I had never met asking me why I was refusing to sign the divorce papers and saying I was interfering in their relationship - we didn’t even have any divorce papers!  

In 2003, I was abandoned for months.  I was afraid to be in my own home alone not knowing when he might show up, or what might  happen when he did.  I was afraid some woman he was lying to might come to my door.  I spent many nights sleeping at a female friend's home so I could be at peace.  In 2008 and 2009, there was a situation with our joint income taxes that resulted in my having to file for Innocent Spouse Relief, because I was unaware that he had failed to disclose his full income.  One day, after an extended time on hold, an IRS representative answered.  She wanted me to send a copy of my divorce or separation paperwork to support my Innocent Spouse filing.  I didn’t have any such papers because we were still married.  That woman began whispering to me, that this type of tax fraud was grounds for divorce, that if I was stupid enough to forgive him in 2008 and let him do it to me again in 2009, the IRS was going to find me liable and would garnish my wages. She whispered as loud as she could, “Ma’am, I am not supposed to tell you this, but you need to get to an attorney, immediately, and get some separate support and maintenance papers, because this is not looking good for you.”  I cried as I walked to my car after work that afternoon, praying because I knew “God hates divorce,” (Malachi 2:16) and I couldn’t bring myself to do it even with all of the writing on the wall! 

Matthew 5: 31
“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
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Matthew 19: 3-12
Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
4“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
7“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
8Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
10The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”
11Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

In 2011, however, the message came directly from the Holy Spirit.  He said, as I read a book titled, "One Month to Live" by Kerry and Chris Shook, that I was remaining in the marriage for me and not for Him.  That’s when I finally began to take the steps towards obtaining a Certificate of Divorce.  At this point, anyone who wants to judge me for my divorce may do so.  It’s done.  I will never go back, fret or regret.  God has called me to live in peace.  Amen.