I Could Be Frantic

I’ve shared this testimony a few times, but it has been a while, so I will share again.  I was raised attending church and Sunday school each week. But my prayers largely began, “Please, Lord…”  As a young adult I was intent on being independent. I was thankful to my parents for putting me through college and getting me off to a good start, and I was not going to need their financial assistance.  I worked as a teacher, saved what I could, I worked a second job, and I tutored from my home all to build enough financial security that I could maintain my independence. Some people described me a focussed. I was, but in hindsight, that independent spirit was also a prideful heart.  My independence was self-reliance. If “ye of little faith,” was a meme, it would have had my face on it. I had a plan, and I worked my plan, and there was no room for anything else. (Psalm 10:4 In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.)  

In 2012, my world was rocked.  I had been married since 1998, but it came to an end.  I was embarrassed, my parents were angry, I didn’t know if I could financially support myself and two sons, I worried we might lose our house, it was a frantic time.  For all of my prior adult life, relying on myself was sufficient, I didn’t really need God, I knew He was there, and might be able to help, but I saved my need for Him to dire circumstances and worked diligently not to ever have dire circumstances.  In 2012, however, every minute of the day seemed dire. I didn’t know how to legally end a marriage, how to be a single parent, how to put utilities in my name, and I didn’t know how to ask for help. I considered whether it was even worth trying to keep living.  The road ahead seemed too hard.  

​One evening I prayed, and I didn’t start with, “Please, Lord…”  I prayed, “Dear Lord, I have so much to be thankful for, especially my boys.  Lord, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what tomorrow holds, and I need help.  Lord, this feels like the first time I’ve ever lost control of my life, although I know deep down that I’ve never truly been in control.  What I thought was me, was really You. Self aside, Lord, what do I need to do?” I went to bed, truly not knowing what to do, surrendering all to God.  I awoke the next morning with the solution. It wasn’t going to be easy, and it wasn’t going to be popular, and I knew it wasn’t Kim’s idea. I had to sell my beloved vehicle.  This would leave us with a much older, but paid-for car.  

I told the boys and we all cried, and they wanted to know why.  I didn’t know how to sell a car! I went to the credit union that financed it and they gave me the paperwork I would need to have the new buyer sign and explained the process - they even suggested that I complete the financial transaction in their office so they could verify the funds and I wouldn’t get “taken.”  Together, the boys and I washed our SUV, vacuumed it out, and drove it one last time. It was a Sunday afternoon when we parked it with a For Sale sign in the window. I prayed, asking the Lord that this be a speedy process because it was hard for all of us. On Thursday, someone called wanting to test drive it. On Friday, we finalized the sale at the credit union.  I paid off the loan, paid off the credit card, and had $2000 to pad my paycheck each month, if needed. I could breathe again. It was not Kim, but Him. Ye of little faith, became ye of much faith, and this faith remains. So many, countless, prayers were answered that day, I was a bundle of emotion.  

I could be frantic right now with so many unknowns.  I enjoy my work, I enjoy the people with whom I work, I like to go out and be social, I like hugs and conversations, but none of those things can happen right now.  I know there are closures galore and lots of money failing to exchange hands. I know there are people who have always been financially independent who now don’t know when they will receive their next paycheck.  I know there are high school seniors who don’t know if they will get to complete their dreams of prom and graduation. I know this! It took a dire situation to change my thinking from that of self-reliance and pride, to humble and obedient.  He can, and will, do the same for you. We all have a tendency to operate as if we are in control of our own future, and it is our free-will to think this way, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Personally, I believe the Lord, through Coronavirus, is stimulating us to need Him.  We can make face masks out of paper towels and hoard a guest room full of toilet paper, but in the end - “As surely as I live,’ says the Lord, ‘every knee will bow before me; every tongue will acknowledge God.” (Romans 14:11) The longer we resist the longer the social distancing orders will persist.  Are you ready to acknowledge God, today?

Dear Lord, 
We have so much to be thankful for.  Lord, we have our life, health, and strength, you have given us children to love and care for and raise to love You.  Lord, it seems a lot is unknown right now, but the truth is, it’s always been unknown, but in our pride, we thought we controlled the world.  Lord, You have shown us the error of our ways. Lord, we surrender - all to You, God, we surrender. We surrender to Your will and to Your ways.  Lord, we need Your guidance for we do not know what to do, none of our plans are set to prosper at this point. We need to know Your plans, Lord, and we will begin to walk in the calling your have on our life.  Lord, we thank You for Your son Jesus, who shed His blood for our sins. Lord, thank you for this day. Please bless us and keep us.

​Amen.

Have an awesome week!
Stay safe and sanitized!
Kim